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Becoming Secure: The Journey to Healthy Self-Worth

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When we think of self-esteem, we often imagine someone confident, assertive, and outspoken. But in therapy, we learn that healthy self-esteem isn’t about being the loudest in the room or having it all together—it’s about feeling secure in who you are, even when life isn’t perfect.

Self-Esteem Isn’t a Performance

Many of my clients believe that they’d finally feel better about themselves if they were just more confident.

But self-esteem isn’t something we “perform.” It’s not about pretending we have it all figured out.

Some of the most courageous moments of self-esteem happen quietly—in setting a boundary, saying “no” without apologizing, or showing up authentically, even when it’s uncomfortable.

The Signs of Healthy Self-Esteem

In therapy, we often work toward helping clients:

  • Set boundaries without guilt
  • Speak their needs clearly and respectfully
  • Acknowledge mistakes without spiraling into shame
  • Receive feedback without internalizing it as failure
  • Trust their intuition instead of outsourcing decisions to others

These changes don’t happen overnight, but they build slowly through consistent emotional work, healing, and support.

What Gets in the Way

If you’ve struggled with self-esteem, there’s usually a story behind it.

Maybe you were raised in a critical household, had relationships where your worth was questioned, or internalized beliefs that made you feel “not enough.”

Therapy gives space to untangle those stories—and start telling new ones.

Healing in the Therapy Room

In the therapy room, I help clients not just talk about self-esteem, but experience it.

That might look like noticing when you’re minimizing your needs, exploring the discomfort of taking up space, or celebrating moments where you advocate for yourself, even in small ways.

Final Thoughts

Healthy self-esteem is quiet, grounded, and deeply rooted in truth.

You don’t need to shout to believe in yourself.

You just need to stop silencing the parts of you that already know you matter.

Understanding Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD)

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Social anxiety, often referred to as social anxiety disorder (SAD), is a prevalent yet frequently misunderstood mental health condition. It is characterized by an intense and persistent fear of social situations where one might be scrutinized or judged by others. This fear can profoundly impact an individual’s daily life, hindering their ability to engage socially, perform in academic settings, or participate in routine activities.

It is crucial to distinguish between social anxiety and shyness. While shyness is a common trait that can cause discomfort in social settings, social anxiety is far more severe and persistent. Individuals with social anxiety often experience extreme fear and may avoid social interactions whenever possible, potentially leading to isolation and loneliness. This avoidance can further exacerbate their anxiety and negatively affect their emotional well-being.

Symptoms of SAD

The emotional symptoms of social anxiety include an intense fear of social situations, a fear of being negatively evaluated by others, excessive worry before social engagements or performances, negative self-perception regarding perceived inadequacies or awkwardness in social scenarios, poor self-image, and a lack of confidence in social abilities. Additionally, individuals may experience feelings of rejection and a strong need for affirmation and validation from others.

Social anxiety also manifests physically, presenting symptoms such as dizziness or lightheadedness, muscle tension particularly in the neck, shoulders, back, and jaw, and dry mouth, which makes speaking difficult. Individuals may further experience trouble taking deep breaths, headaches, sweating, a racing heart, and trembling or shaking.

Triggers

One of the main triggers of social anxiety is the fear of being judged or embarrassed. When meeting new people, individuals with social anxiety may excessively worry about others’ opinions of them. They might fear saying something foolish or not being liked, which can lead to behaviors such as avoiding social gatherings, failing to make eye contact, leaving gatherings early, interacting only with familiar people, withdrawing, or becoming passive and allowing others to make decisions for them. This fear can make social interactions intimidating and sometimes cause individuals to avoid social situations altogether.

Treatment

Addressing social anxiety begins with understanding and acknowledging the condition. Therapy can provide effective strategies and techniques for managing social anxiety. For instance, cognitive behavioral therapy helps individuals identify and replace negative thought patterns associated with the condition, while exposure therapy enables them to confront their feared situations in a controlled environment.

For more information on the treatment of social anxiety, see Therapy for Social Anxiety Disorder blog

Signs of Gaslighting

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Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which one person causes another to question their own reality and perceptions of events. The gaslighter employs various tactics, such as denying the occurrence of specific events or insisting that the victim’s memory is inaccurate. They may trivialize the victim’s concerns with phrases like, “Why are you making such a big deal out of this?” or “It wasn’t anything serious.”

Tactics used

Projection occurs when the gaslighter accuses the victim of behaviors they themselves are engaging in, such as hiding information, lying, or cheating. Additionally, distraction and ignoring are two other tactics used by manipulators to shift the focus or dismiss the victim’s concerns altogether.

Isolation is another significant tactic employed by gaslighters. They may attempt to distance their partners from friends and family by claiming that those relationships are toxic or untrustworthy. This isolation can leave individuals feeling lonely and increasingly dependent on their gaslighter for support and validation, which further solidifies the abusive dynamic.

Depression

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Depression is a complex mental health condition that can have a significant impact on a person’s thoughts and behaviors. Our thoughts play a crucial role in depression, as negative thought patterns can worsen feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and worthlessness.

How depression affects our thinking

When someone is experiencing depression, they may have distorted thoughts about themselves, others, and the world. These distorted thoughts, also known as cognitive distortions, can lead to a cycle of negative emotions and behaviors. For example, a person with depression may engage in all-or-nothing thinking, viewing things as either perfect or a complete failure. This type of black-and-white thinking can make it hard to see the gray areas in life and can contribute to feelings of helplessness and despair.

What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

It is important for individuals struggling with depression to recognize and challenge their negative thought patterns. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is a widely used therapeutic approach that helps individuals identify and reframe their negative thoughts. By learning to replace negative thoughts with more balanced and realistic ones, individuals can start to change their mindset and improve their mental health.


Relationship Dynamics and Attachment Styles

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Communication can often present challenges for couples. In any relationship, it is crucial to express feelings and needs openly, listen attentively before responding, and avoid becoming defensive. Having these essential skills can be the first step towards fostering healthy interactions. However, understanding your attachment style in a relationship goes beyond just improving communication skills.

Types of attachment

Each person enters a relationship with a unique attachment style, formed by previous relationships and experiences. These attachments influence how individuals interact, communicate, handle conflicts, and connect with their partners. Different styles of attachment can significantly impact the health of a relationship. For instance, those with an anxious attachment style may fear abandonment, seek constant closeness, and need regular reassurance. If not properly managed, this high level of neediness can make or break a relationship.

On the other hand, individuals with an avoidant attachment style value independence, feel uncomfortable with closeness and prioritize self-reliance. Avoidant individuals may struggle with intimacy and conflict resolution, choosing to avoid their partner instead of addressing issues together.

Another type of insecure attachment style is the disorganized attachment, where individuals crave closeness but pull away due to fear of abandonment or hurt. Their inconsistent behaviors often lead to confusion, conflict, and an unstable relationship.

In contrast, securely attached individuals benefit from the healthiest style of bonding. They are comfortable with closeness and autonomy, trust their partners, express their needs openly, set healthy boundaries, and engage in behaviors that promote relationship satisfaction.

One of the advantages of couples counseling is learning how to develop a secure attachment style. Investing in your partnership can make the difference between a stable, fulfilling relationship and one that is unpredictable and turbulent.

Why Therapy?

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Many couples struggle with the idea of counseling for various reasons. One reason is that beginning counseling confirms the existence of a problem. Recognizing a problem can be very difficult. Nobody wants to admit there is something wrong with their relationship. However, the truth is that all couples have their ups and downs. It is a normal part of being in a close relationship with someone. The real problem arises when couples ignore what is going on, hoping it will just go away. Unfortunately, issues don’t resolve themselves on their own. Avoiding the conflict by sweeping things under the rug is not an effective approach, and in the long run, it can lead to more serious problems.

Benefits of counseling

Couples counseling is private and confidential, so there is no need to worry about others finding out. All they may notice is that things between the two of you seem to be different, better, improved, and refreshed. You made an investment in this person when you married them and planned a future together. However, you may not have expected that maintenance would be necessary to keep the relationship in its best condition. Like everything else we own, our relationships require care and attention.

You can’t do it alone

Don’t wait any longer thinking you can resolve this issue on your own. I often hear this sentiment, but if you could have done it without help, you probably wouldn’t be reading this. If you could have fixed things alone, your relationship would already be in a better place. It’s not too late to ask for help. Seeking the assistance of a professional to improve your marriage shows your commitment to your partner and your family. They should be your top priority.

Managing Stress

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Stress is a common feeling that everyone experiences, and it can come from various sources such as schoolwork, relationships, and work. When we encounter stress, our body responds with the “fight or flight” response, releasing hormones to prepare us to cope with the situation. Chronic stress can have negative effects on our body, weakening our immune system and contributing to chronic conditions and mental health issues. It is important to manage stress in healthy ways, such as exercise, relaxation techniques, counseling, and self-care activities, to protect our overall well-being and lead a happier life.

Counseling is a helpful tool for managing stress by providing a safe space to explore thoughts and emotions, identify stress sources, and develop coping strategies. It allows individuals to express themselves without judgment, gain insights into their stressors, and learn healthy ways to cope. Counseling also teaches coping skills like relaxation techniques and effective communication, leading to increased self-awareness and self-compassion. By learning these tools, individuals can reduce stress and improve overall well-being. 


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